The Finale

I am sitting here in front of this computer knowing that I have to write this post. I just don't know how to do so. I have waited until I knew that everyone knew. I did not want someone to read this online. If you are reading this, this new should not come as shock, and if it is, please accept my deepest, most heartfelt apologies.

Last Monday, his doctors took out a "lemon-sized mass" that turned out to be cancerous. That was just what his surgeons could remove from the surface of his brain. It is down in there so deep, there are no options left. Superman is dying. I can say that calmly with no breaks in my voice and not shed a tear (that I would allow you to see or hear). I am quite good at it. I look calm, cool, and collected on the surface. I show an even face. I try to show a face of reassurance and strength. They need that, but sometimes the calmness scares me.

Sometimes at night I walk. I just walk and smoke. I know that I should not smoke, but honestly, at this point, don't you dare lecture me. Back to my point, I walk. Superman would not want me to be angry. He would not. I am trying to honor what he would want. It is not that easy. It is not easy to refrain from screaming up at the stars. It is so difficult to keep from wondering if all of the prayers have been in vain, if he dies in the end anyway. She had faith. She believed he would be healed. So did he. We all did. "I never thought that it would end this way," is what she said to me the other day. I can feel the bitterness and anger beating on my door. I have to fight a constant battle to keep myself from letting them in willingly.

His doctors say that he has about two months left. He can no longer speak clearly. None of the words that he thinks he is forming can be understood. The last thing that I heard him coherently say was, "I don't want any arrangements." I know that he was speaking about his funeral arrangements. I pray that is not the last thing that I hear my father say. I still pray...

Even Superman has a weakness. Every Superman has some form of kryptonite. Turns out my Superman's is cancer.